J.J. Watt Reveals Major Secret To Fitness Success- And I Have The Inside Scoop

Unless you’ve been living under a cave, you are aware that Houston Texan’s defensive lineman, J.J. Watt is…

Injuries have relegated the world’s most dominant defensive football player to just eight games in two years. Almost seven months after suffering a brutal left tibial plateau fracture, J.J. Watt is on the mend. Watt teased his fans with this image on his Instagram with the caption, “Soon”…


Good lord. The 3 time former Defensive Player of the Year is BACK baby. Eat your heart out, Bruce Banner – the only thing more intimidating than this torso is Miss Death by Snu Snu herself #RIPWatermelon


The real question is how does one man become this huge? Most of us would think he is loading up on carbs, salmon, peanut butter, eggs, STEAK, etc.


WRONG. That’s what they WANT you to think. They want you to think it takes hours of hard work and dedication to build those booming biceps and tremendous traps. Alliteration aside, I now present to you the real secret to J.J. Watt’s success…


Mother Fucking Pizza Lunchables People. I knew it! This whole, corn-fed, Wisconsin-boy, hard-work, no-days-off mumbo jumbo can step aside- the secret has been in our lunch boxes since the 3rd grade. Look at that perfect execution… three pepperoni slices per ‘za, perfect sauce distribution, evenly scattered cheese… a real maestro at his craft. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some pizza lunchables to buy so I can feed my checking account.

Tell your mom you love her,


Happy 713 day- Houstonians rejoice!

Today is Friday the 13th- all my triskaidekaphobics say Hey-Ooo (Hey-Ooo!).

Remember when we were in 5th grade and used to go to Blockbuster to rent the Friday the 13th movies on days like today? Ahhh, to be young. Nowadays, to us working-folks, most numerically fun dates pass us by just like the concept of Spring, Summer, and Winter breaks. Sad!

However today is Houston’s Day- 7/13 aka the most popular area code in the area. I wanted to list out my favorite 13 things about Houston and its surrounding areas because, fuck it, I can. (Guess I’ll be saying fuck a lot on this blog now that the first one is over with, whew!)

  1. Astros, Rockets, Texans, Dynamo. Tough to not enjoy MVP winners Altuve and Harden along with social MVP in JJ Watt. As for the Dynamo…well…there’s some cool bars close to the stadium and we used to be good when I was in college, so we’ve got THAT going for us.
  2. Beyonce. Pretty sure she and Jay Z did a song (banger) called 713 so that’s cool.
  3. The food. The Tex Mex alone is worth the visit but Houston has some top notch dining establishments: Xochi, Hugos, Pappas Brothers Steak House to name a few.
  4. Craft beer. Karbach, St. Arnolds, 8th Wonder, Buffalo Bayou.
  5. NASA. Even though we faked the moon landing, its still cool ‘cus space n shit.
  6. Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. 2.5 million visitors a month and one of the only places you can see Jason Derulo, The Chainsmokers. And Chris Stapleton all in the same venue.
  7. The Medical Center and Energy Corridor. Oil and gas. Kids cancer research. No one does it better.
  8. Cost of Living. Just ask anyone north of the Mason Dixon Line how much they pay in rent compared to us…Not good.
  9. Harvey Heroes. Our community flat out rocks. The countless stories of Hurricane Harvey rescuers and providers really tickles my pickle.
  10. Green space. Backyards. Garages. Driveways. As a 6 foot 3, 325 pound+ big boy, you can imagine why the extra space is a nice commodity.
  11. Art n stuff. Plenty of things to do and see for the hipsters out there including the ‘Be Someone’ sign, the ‘I heart Houston’ display, Discovery Green, and the Museum of Fine Arts.
  12. Diversity. The attractive jobs, cost of living, and our proximity to Mexico give us one of the biggest metropolitan melting pots in the US.
  13. Traffic. No matter where you go, you will always have something in common with your neighbor #Fuck290

Tell your mother you love her,


Soccer? I’m here for the gambling

It was my first week in the office as a new commodities broker in Sugar Land, Texas. I showed up in my grandpa’s a gray suit and was met with “I didn’t know they made suits that big” the second I stepped on the trade floor. The guy that interviewed me came up to me and whispered condescendingly, “Never wear that again if you want to make it here.”

zach suit

Alright, sweet, an office where physical appearance doesn’t matter- score! However, I had already made a dorky impression with these brokers in an industry where it’s your job to make people like you and want to do business with you. I sat in my chair wondering how I can win these guys over to quickly climb the corporate ladder. Aha! These guys seem like degenerates…GAMBLING… let’s see if I can throw something together in Excel and get them gambling.


It just so happened to be World Cup time and I have this betting pool which quickly got everyone on board. Sweet! I’m no longer over-sized, suit wearing, new kid… I’m the gambling kid. Let’s dive in to what a parimutuel style pool is and why it is awesome.

Using the world cup as an example (this also works well with sporting events with fields in them like golf and tennis majors) you have a list of all 32 teams competing. I usually recommend a $20 entry fee to boost the pot. Then, you place a bet on which team you think will win the whole tournament. I recommend a minimum of $5 bet per team/player and NO maximum bet. You can bet on as many or as few teams as you’d like. It is a blind betting system so what makes it fun is that you don’t know what or who or how much everyone else is betting on. Then you collect all of the entries and there is no more betting once the event starts. Once a winner is determined, whoever bet on the winning team gets paid an amount proportionate to the amount of money the bet on the team compared to everyone else. No second place, no third place, you only win money if you bet on the team/player that wins the whole tournament.

-2 people in the pool – Pool size starts at $40.
-Person A bets $10 on Brazil and $5 on Spain   — he pays $35 total to enter ($20 fee + individual bets)
-Person B bets $25 on Brazil and $10 on USA — he pays $55 total ($20 fee + individual bets)
-There are no other bets in the pool at all – for example’s sake– total pool is $90   ($40 entry fees and $50 placed on individual teams)
-Brazil Wins– there is a total of $35 bet on Brazil
-Person A gets 10/35 (or 2/7 of the pot- $25.71) while Person B gets 25/35 (or 5/7 of the pot-$64.29)

Fighting through tons of skepticism and snarky looks, I managed to get $1500 in the pool and all of a sudden, everyone was interested in not only the game, but me as well. These guys would come up to me asking their payouts and checking in on how everyone else was doing- it was wonderful. Fast forward four years and I ran my second parimutuel office pool this year. We have a clear example of why this pool can be fun from the final results in 2018– here are the remaining possible outcomes of this year’s pool:


I managed to build the pool to $2,800 this year. You will notice that some of the favorites will attract bets from a lot of people (France in this year’s case). However, the returns might not be as satisfying as people once thought, as a $5 bet on nets you $42– their full entries could have had $100 of total bets on it thus they will be losing money even though they could pick the right winner. The glory comes from tossing money on ‘teenies’ as my industry would call it. Two gents tossed a measly $5 on Croatia this year and were the only two people to bet on them. That means if Croatia wins, they are splitting $2,800 for a cool $1,400 each! Insane.

That’s all for today, feel free to comment with any questions about the pool or how it runs and I’ll be glad to answer.

Tell your mom you love her,


Welcome to Sports n Sorts

Whatsup fam? I had started a sports and pop culture blog a few years ago and it seems all of my content has been deleted, neat! Fear not for I am back with a vengeance. Check back here regularly for some hot takes, political incorrectness, and a bunch of stuff your girlfriend wouldn’t like you reading. Thanks for visiting!